wtf... and now i vent

Let me tell you a few things about me. I know when I mess up, I only need to be told things once and only by one person. What happens when I am told things over and over by different people, well I shut down or in most cases do the complete opposite of what I need to do. Now is this one of my greatest traits?? Fuck NO, but I know this much about me.
For the last month I have been letting my self become the victim of others peoples programs- you know those actions and thoughts that people are so use to doing that they them self can’t see that there might be another way of doing something. I mean let me lay it all on the line here and give some examples of what I am taking about. But first let me clue you in on the fact that I am under no delusion that I am perfect. I am my worse critic and I am my own worse enemy. But sometimes there are reasons for my actions and when people don’t want to hear me out they just are really fast to point out my wrong doing. Really if I was doing something and someone was to point it out and maybe not be so rude about it I might (yes I said might) actually listen. The problem is most people come at me with this I am so much better attitude and really I am sure your shit stinks just as bad as mine, I’m also sure you have just as much shit in your cloths as I do.
The past few months have been less then stellar months for me. I have had some of the lowest view points of my self, being 30-single- unemployed are not an esteem builder! But I am dealing with it. I really am trying to do some soul searching to find what I want to with my life. And I really an trying to find something I will want to do and at the same times try to find something that I wont get down sized in!
Since my lay off I have listen to people tell me that every thing I am doing is wrong. From the way I bank to the way I am looking for jobs. I have even been told that the way I am voting in this year’s election is wrong. Well basically I have not been told that the way I am wiping my ass is wrong, but I’m sure that is coming. The problem with people telling me what I am I am doing is wrong is it only makes me want to do it even more. If these do gooders would approach me in a much nicer way I would be open (I know I said might but I would) Example if I am told to stop touching the stove because I will burn myself. I will keep touching it trying to prove to you and me that you are wrong. If I am reminded of the fact that the last 4 times I touched it I burnt myself, I won’t do it. Why because it was my choice to not touch it, you just helped me make that choice. I still made it. I feel like I have some control over the matter that way. The first way I will put up a wall and fight even if I know I am wrong I will still fight. I am hard headed and stubborn and will fight for my cause even if I know it is the wrong cause. I have been crabby with some of the greatest people lately because of my interaction with others. I feel that I need to keep this crabby thing up even if it’s not the person who put me in that mood. I know I know how fucked up is that, and the worst thing is I know when I am doing but I am to hard headed to stop that sort of thing while it is happening. Oh yes I do know that I am a bit crazy no need to point that out. So hear is some good tools when having to deal with me until this whole job/moving things works it way out. If you think you might have a suggestion for me think real hard on the format of the delivery to me.

I do have to thank my friends who have just let me work though this shit on my own they have been there when I need to through some ideas off them but never once told me how to live my life. I am blessed to have them in my life….